The Pre-Existing Condition

When we wrote this book, we knew we’d have enough material for a Volume II in 2017. What we did not realize was that we’d have enough material to write new cocktails daily. But here we are. Last night the Senate voted to gut Obamacare (for those of you still unsure, Obamacare is just a nickname for the Affordable Care Act but they are indeed one in the same.) Items they plan to remove include, but are not limited to:

• Maternity Coverage: Hey new moms! We just knew you wanted to start your time of motherhood in crippling debt. Hope you don’t lose your house! (Actually, we don’t care.)
• Contraception: Hello women? Yeah, we’re not going to pay for the children we’re going to force you to have and we’re going to force you to have more because we’re not going to help you prevent them either! Go make some cookies and fix me a drink. (Also, see drink called The Late Term, page 43 of the book.)

Hold on a sec while I see if any men’s health care was cut? No? Okay, we’re good.

• Pre-existing conditions: Hey all you sick people who were able to get better because you got insurance? FUCK YOU! That’s all.

In honor of last night’s vote, we have created a new cocktail for those of us who really, really, really need to sedate ourselves against what’s coming and to help kill off any bacteria that might make us sick because heaven forbid you need medical care in the next four years.

The Pre-Existing Condition

Buy all the pre-existing fortified wine product you can find. Please don’t buy any new wines, only wines produced between March 23, 2010 and January 11, 2017 will work. Create a stockpile in your home. Fill the basement with it. Hide it under your bed. Put some in your underwear drawer and car trunk. Bury it in the backyard. Fill your house and those of others who no longer have insurance with as much of this wine as possible.

Buy the biggest glass you find. Drink wine liberally to help anesthetize the pain caused by any ailments you can no longer get treatment for.